typical

so, my other site is being mean and won't let me sign in. and xanga won't send me the dag-gone password.

over and over i ask, 'why am i here?' and i feel like i have no where else to go. aside from my parents, i don't necessarily want to go back to maryland. i don't always like living with this family. i can't just get up and leave. i have elijah and another on the way. i have enough built up emotion to ... join a wrestling team or boxing team or to run a marathon. i want to crush my fist into the wall. i'm sick of being two-faced... showing pity but not really sympathizing, being nice but not seeing the need for it. i'm bitter and i think everything's irrepairable (spelling....blah). d-a-m-a-g-e-d. this is beyond pregnant hormones... if only that were the only reason behind my depression, that would be great, cause then everything would "clear up" in a few months. but there are issues going on that i can't tell anyone and it's been tearing me up. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it all. am i just a body? not worth anything?

25

well, i think a new subscriber calls for a new entry! this one will be about what is on my mind this morning.

I've been thinking about which days I need to request off of work. There's a wedding I want to go to in Jersey; a show here that I don't want to miss by any means, and if I do, I'll have to go to FL to see the band!; and then, there is Tyler's arrival.

I'm sitting in my running clothes, not having run yet, but planning on it. Tyler is coming so soon, and I can't word quite exactly what I'm thinking (or, in effect, what I'm feeling). I'm definitely excited for him to come, I'm getting anxious, but remaining calm on the outside. I'm not letting my mind dwell on missing him, because I know it'll cause too much, in vain, because he's coming! I'll finally get to really know him in person!!! I love being around other people with him, to see how he converses, and jokes, and listens, to let me see inside his mind more (I keep getting surprised!). I like talking with him one on one to find out what is in his heart, to find out how he thinks, and what he thinks. Now we will be able to speak of the things that are important to us, face to face. It scares me, and already I feel my eyes darting to the floor, but I'll have to get over that shyness (again!).

I never thought I'd find out what being in love was like. NOW I DO!!! Yet, I don't feel "finished", there's more I need to learn about loving. I can be stubborn, and already God has given me choices of "your way of 'loving' [that is, of 'loving' myself and protecting myself with walls of steel distrust] or My perfect way of loving?" It hurts to be vulnerable, it does.

But I love Tyler, and am determined to love. God has commanded us to love, and I've determined that His way, no matter how hard, is best. Simple obedience: love.

thanks for the subscription, kj! :)

Currently Playing Other Side of Something By Sara Groves see related

- Roll to the Middle

please, read, and think on these things:

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3: 7-14

(This means forgetting past pain, past troubles, and past failures! Maybe the past is not what God wanted, or maybe He did not cause it, but if He allowed it, there is a purpose! I need to forgive as He does, keep current with forgetting and forgiving, and forget my past sins; all so that I can move on towards the goal!)